Heya peeps,

I'm not sure how to start this but one thing I know for sure, is that I need to get this off my chest and writing always helps.
So, bullying at any time or age is not fun and not something someone wants to ever experience though it happens and its a shame that it does.
I was bullied through high school, from say grades 8 & 9, by this one particular girl (actually a few people but this particular incident was one girl) who I thought was my friend and lived near me and would come over and play, hang out ....until my mum and i started to notice some of my new clothes missing and seeing her wearing them claiming she 'got her own'.

Anyways, I was dating an amazing guy at the time, we will call him trevor. I liked Trevor a lot actually, he was probably my first real boyfriend and we hung out heaps, i met him at youth, he met my parents, he was great.
I think I liked him more than you like a boyfriend and I'm hurting from it now. Reason being, this girl who was bullying me thought she would hack into my facebook account and email my boyfriend, screenshots of a conversation that I was having with a guy friend that I met at youth, there was nothing in it.
I would never.
Sure enough I find out that my boyfriend has broken up with me and I was devastated. He mean't so much to me, it broke me. When I started to ask questions, he told me about the email blah blah and i honestly couldn't believe it. it was like my whole world shattered and I lost someone I could have loved or may have loved because of some stupid immature girl bully.

I miss him.
I still think about him to this day and note, I was dating him probably when i was about 14...im now 22.
I got a message from Trevor a few years ago wanting to catch up and stupidly enough I said no and turned him down and it's truly been a regret of mine since because he mean't so soooo much to me. I have seen that he now lives quite close to me and ah all the emotions.

Trevor has a girlfriend now and I would never do anything, he probably won't even see this but I feel sad and hurt and I miss him.

I don't know whether its because I never got closure because we didn't actually break up because we did anything to each other or because we stopped liking each other but rather got broken up by a girl.
a  bully.

At this point, I feel as thought if i bumped into him - i would cry.

I have this diary/ planner that I used in school which  I plastered with photos and everything as you do at that age and theres a few photos of Trevor and I,  though his face and body is scribbled out because I was broken, heart broken, I couldn't be reminded of him, I knew it would continue to hurt me if I saw his face (without the scribbles).

I'm going to add them in because its my blog and I feel as though you can relate this post to the guy more or the whole situation haha.

BUT EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE PLASTERED ON HIS FACE - I was heart broken and in pain, I couldn't stop crying. (At the time I might have agreed with it because he believed the bully over me but I dont think that now)

Like guys, I even used white out because the pen didn't work to cover him properly.





We do actually follow each other on instagram, so whether Trevor sees this or not - whatever, I had to let it out cause it's eating away at me and feelings are no fun..mind you, i've been holding back tears the whole time writing this post.

I still think about him.

He taught me how to skate, he went skating (cruising) with me, he was an incredible skateboarder, he was good to my brother, he was good to me. I miss his smile.

I will never forget him. uh oh here come the tears ha!


Whoever is reading this, please never let any bully or anyone ruin your relationship or bully you to heartbreak or get involved in your life.It isn't right and It shouldn't happen. I don't wish this sitauton upon anyone.



If you do read this 'Trevor' I'm sure you have figured out now that it's about you - surprise ha!




Anyways, from Natalia  - don't let the bullies win!

Listening to your heart is an important concept and thing in life. For example: your heart will gesture to you if a guy is not suitable for you, it will alarm you that your doing too much as your body does also, it guides you when making some choices in life and most importantly helps with hard or difficult decisions like where you want your career path to go, if you should like this person, if you should study or do something else in life, if you should be-friend this person and if you need help with anything,....it's there..just like the man above :)

I'm writing this because I listened to my heart when I wasn't enjoying/didn't want to keep studying a business degree, I listened to it and did something about it. My heart wasn't in it (as they say), and so I changed courses to a writing degree after studying business for one whole year. It was the best decision I ever made. Reason being:
- I felt like I was where I wanted and needed to be/ when I first was joined into the writing university facebook group, it blew my mind and I was ecstatic that I was around (not literal) so many people that were so like minded, who liked writing (even loved), who loved reading and books, who wrote and had books published, who had work published in magazines and just who loved the whole concept of writing.

It was mind blowing and amazing to me.

Now looking back a few months ago when it was the start of my university year as a 2nd year student, I could not have predicted how my life would be know and the amazing opportunities that have come my way. I believe it came from being blessed by the man above and knowing he has a plan for me and also working hard to get where I am and feeling so passionate about writing and reading and words in general.

At the start of my 2nd year of university, I heard back from my universities magazine after having requested to be a contributor for it the previous year, though nothing ever happened. Though this year, I heard back (different person running it) and I have been writing articles for about 5 months now - it is amazing!! and not to mention it has been incredible experience and something which I will always treasure with me and honestly don't think I ever want it to end but I can't be at university forever,..can i?

SOOO, fast forward to about a month ago when I lost my job at s hospitality restaurant type place, I didn't lose it because I was bad or did something, it was generally because they were struggling and had to many staff hired when it first opened and another reason being I was getting paid a lot because they didn't have any part time staff, just a few full timers and all the rest were casuals and we all know what that means hah.

I surprisingly didn't feel down or sad, I felt no emotion really which felt strange but I guess it's better than feeling sad etc. Previous to getting let go, I had started applying for jobs and often when looking for jobs I would search 'Writer' on seek or indeed, just out of curiosity and always wondered about it. When applying for a job you want or would love as it is something your passionate about etc it is hard to just click apply and do it. But I took the leap and did it, it felt so good guys like so so good to go for it and not to have any worry. Because we as humans can actually do anything that we set out mind to and we have to stop doubting ourselves, where did doubt come from anyway? why do we do it?


After getting let go, one of my main worries was not being able to meet rent and help my mum out but I knew deep down that god has me and he will provide for me, that he has a plan for me and everything will work it self out because even in the bad and down days, it does get better and it doesn't stay.
I was at a cafe at my local shopping centre and my mum and abuela were having coffee, I remember checking my phone and having seen a missed call and a voice mail.
I listened to it and it felt like I was stuck in time, like the world stopped ahah and in that moment, I listened to something that, I didn't know then but would change my life in one way or the other. It was my dream job guys!!

I went through interview and tests to more interviews and reference checks and I am so blessed!!! Ah I can not wait to start.......;) I got it!!

SO, basically what I am saying is LISTEN TO THAT PRECIOUS HEART OF YOURS. It can guide your way, it will push you and your comfort zone but you just have to believe, seriously!

My mum's good friend is so lovely and always so supportive but I was told that she told her son about this whole journey of mine recently and that it encouraged him to go for his dream job, a career that he never thought he would make it in and guess what, he will be working his dream job not too far from now and it honestly just shows that you have to take the leap, just do it (as Nike says)

I know we hear about following our hearts and or taking the leap but if you actually, truly do it then who know's what will happen :) :) Great things, I'm sure of it.

One more thing - when I changed courses from business to writing, a parent of mine was not happy and did not agree with it and blah blah - basically was super negative and without that out of my life for a while now, so many amazing things have happened and I was talking to my brother recently and  I mentioned about this particular parent being negative and looking at where I am now and feeling amazing because I did it and didn't listen to this negativity (I mentioned it cause have to see soon at a family event) and my brother said something wise which stuck to me -


He said the reason they don't want you to follow your dreams, is because they didn't follow theirs.


Just think about it a moment, that is huge like so HUGE.



Anyways, I wanted to come on and tell whoever reads this to jump for the stars, take the leap, just do it, go for it - because in all honesty, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE???



;D

Hello Blog readers,

I am so happy because I finally am able to read books again (I had to stop as had to do a huge amount of reading for university but that is over) yipee! well for now anyways!

At the moment, I'm reading - The Secret History but Donna Tartt!! I have seen this book mentioned quite a few times and read that some people have read it over 6 times and some use it as a way to get out of a reading slump (which they do suck) though it is a good idea, I mean, if we find that one book that we adore and cherish, a book that we can read and get out of a slump and keep reading...why would you not do it? 

I'm not that far in as of yet, though can I just say the writing is magical, almost poetry like?! When you read it, it is like your floating on a cloud, or more so - the words are floating on a cloud over your tongue as you read it.

For example: Here are a little snippets of the book - 

- I sat on the bed during the twilight while the walls went from gray to gold to black.

- When i came out of the store, i was happy to find that i still had nearly one hundred dollars. should i go to the bookstore? to the movies? buy a bottle of scotch? in the end, i was so swarmed by the flock if possibilities that drifted up murmuring and smiling to crowd about me on the bright autumn sidewalk that - like a farm boy flustered by a bevy of prostitutes




Ah it's magical!! - I recommend reading it and giving it a try!! Ah even the pages are filled with wonder. 

That Saying 

What would life be like with one hundred percent truths? 

Dear Blog, Internet world, Any insightful people,

The topic for today's post is -
When you've never been in love but keep coming back to the same guy.

You see a few months back I thought that I had gotten over the guy I had a crush on...but fast forward back to now, I'm not so sure and again the questions revolving around love come to mind.

Why do I still feel this way about him?
Why haven't I gotten over him completely?
Why do I feel like I don't like him but deep down I do even when I don't believe it?
What is it like to be in love?
How do I know what love is?
Is loving someone, liking them for over 6 years?
Is it al just in my mind?
Do I feel and think this way because he sometimes doesn't give me attention?
Or do I feel this way because I have a feeling he 'loves' someone else and I
feel like I'm losing him even though    I    don't    even      have     him   and have never technically had him!?

I'm moving on with my life, I have an awesome job. I have met new people. I have had awesome opportunities arise. I earned enough to get the camera that I have wanted for many years. I am saving. I am a good person. I'm still so passionate about writing...
yet....one picture of him and I'm back where I started, one message from him and I'm back where I started, as if the way I feel has never gone away but just been pushed to the back of my head.

What freaks me out is that I'm 22 right - so technically an adult and people are getting into relationships, they are getting engaged, they are moving on.
what freaks me out and bobbles my mind is that, as an adult we should be able to tell people how we feel in an adult mature way, in a way where if its what the other person wants then it will happen, where you can find out how he or she really feels and can possibly move on if the heart allows it. I don't want to grow to 25 or older and not speak out about how I feel.

What frustrates me is that I feel like in 2016 guys still have that way of weighing on us, they are the one who makes the decisions like asking a girl out, I have never thought it is bad or wrong if a girl does it, like go girl - you're brave and I applaud you but I mean what frustrates me is if he doesn't message back yeah sure I feel down and sad and when they do message you, you feel happy, full (in a different way to life filling you up without a guy) and I mean,

for any guys out there, reading this or not - if you like or have liked a girl and they do or don't message back, do you feel the same as girls regarding getting a reply or not?
is it the same?

If it is then that is interesting and makes me feel so much better for feeling like crap when not getting a reply but my main question of this whole blog is - how do you know what love is???

I have had a crush on a guy for over 6 years, as you may have read about in other blog posts and today when he replied to my message I realised that I haven't gotten over him, the feelings are still there. Why have I liked him for so long and what is it?
I don't know its probably just weird and my brain thinking like a nutter but it does make me wonder.

Have you ever questioned what love is and if you're possibly, maybe experiencing it or if you are confused of what it may be? ...............or is it only me?! ha


From
Natalia xx

Lately, I realised that life is art. It just depends on the way you look at it. Right now, I'm sitting on the lounge, looking out into my back garden at the grey rainy sky, the dark green trees and making sure there are no snakes around...